Lovely December,
As much as I've gone through these 11 months prior, December has been full of surprises.
I have been completely taken off guard recently. This feels better than ever before! And I'm so ecstatic about what the future may hold. I told myself I would avoid this, I knew I needed to be on my own for awhile, but sometimes you can't let things this good go whirring on by.
As I began the chase I was already falling faster than ever. I couldn't believe how spontaneous this was, but wow was it worth it.
I still don't know how to put this quite frankly. Here goes another run for the best, and this time, I feel more confident about her than anyone before.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Illusive
Why are we so drawn to security. What brings forth this attraction? I awaken this Sunday with a plethora of thoughts about this illusive feeling that I am drawn to. It is manufactured in the subconscious mind of every drunk teen that leaves their conventions in the dust. When we lose control of our conscious mind, we head for a slippery slope that leads to our quick descent.
Security is certainly undefinable. Our perception of security is universal on a person to person basis. As I mature and encounter more people. I love to meticulously analyze every lasting fabric of their visible being. Where they find security is undoubtedly the most fascinating matter at hand. Security is most apparent with someone we truly align with. Only then will we truly find solace.
Security can stem from our concept of love; unfortunately, lust can form this illusion of security. Lust is a force driven by our hormones rather than emotions. We are blinded by lust time and time again to the point where affiliation is built upon a lie. Without that intricate chemistry, lust may never evolve into love no matter how much we attempt to rationalize our feelings. Like we need to tell ourselves why we try at the end of the day, as if it counts for anything.
Furthermore, it is now clear that I need to rid my life of these false convictions. This path has lead me to the shadowy underground. I know that I have lived in the dark for far too long, rationalizing my motives to reaffirm my false sense of security. I am over this phase, here's to a more matured outlook.
Security is certainly undefinable. Our perception of security is universal on a person to person basis. As I mature and encounter more people. I love to meticulously analyze every lasting fabric of their visible being. Where they find security is undoubtedly the most fascinating matter at hand. Security is most apparent with someone we truly align with. Only then will we truly find solace.
Security can stem from our concept of love; unfortunately, lust can form this illusion of security. Lust is a force driven by our hormones rather than emotions. We are blinded by lust time and time again to the point where affiliation is built upon a lie. Without that intricate chemistry, lust may never evolve into love no matter how much we attempt to rationalize our feelings. Like we need to tell ourselves why we try at the end of the day, as if it counts for anything.
Furthermore, it is now clear that I need to rid my life of these false convictions. This path has lead me to the shadowy underground. I know that I have lived in the dark for far too long, rationalizing my motives to reaffirm my false sense of security. I am over this phase, here's to a more matured outlook.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Sellout
As I marvel at my realization of the recent. I can't help but feel somewhat dejected over it. With out fail, the past is always manages to sneak up on me. Since then, I have reevaluated everything.
While I delved into my thoughts I became aware to the fact that maybe I was lying to my self all along. It shattered everything I thought that I knew about myself. I sold out. To whom you might ask? To every opinion that held me together like a belt of lies. I sold out to this built up image in my mind that was so very empty. I resent it now, more than any event in my life-to-date.
Essentially, it was my public appearance above my private emotions. As I dwell on this, I can't help but rip my hair out. I can't regret everything of course. I brought something tangible away from this experience; although, I sought something false in nature to satisfy me.
I find myself sitting next to this old piano more than anything now. It is seemingly the only being that remains static in my life. I am blessed to have it as a means of expression now. I have felt bottled up recently more than ever now that nearly-everyone is off at college. Granted this "piano" is merely a plastic-key synth, you get the idea.
I continually refocus my eyes in the darkness. It has lead me to a point that I cannot define. When I am intoxicated it seems as if emotions are amplified. Escapism is no longer an attainable goal. The past 30 days have been full of ups and downs. Life is great though, no immediate complaints.
While I delved into my thoughts I became aware to the fact that maybe I was lying to my self all along. It shattered everything I thought that I knew about myself. I sold out. To whom you might ask? To every opinion that held me together like a belt of lies. I sold out to this built up image in my mind that was so very empty. I resent it now, more than any event in my life-to-date.
Essentially, it was my public appearance above my private emotions. As I dwell on this, I can't help but rip my hair out. I can't regret everything of course. I brought something tangible away from this experience; although, I sought something false in nature to satisfy me.
I find myself sitting next to this old piano more than anything now. It is seemingly the only being that remains static in my life. I am blessed to have it as a means of expression now. I have felt bottled up recently more than ever now that nearly-everyone is off at college. Granted this "piano" is merely a plastic-key synth, you get the idea.
I continually refocus my eyes in the darkness. It has lead me to a point that I cannot define. When I am intoxicated it seems as if emotions are amplified. Escapism is no longer an attainable goal. The past 30 days have been full of ups and downs. Life is great though, no immediate complaints.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Outlet to Nowhere
I feel like this has been long overdue now. My state of mind is traveling down the rocky coastline at 100 miles an hour, desperately trying to find somewhere to settle. The world around me is merely an extension of my mind, everything is seemingly artificial. I am searching for anyone or anything out there that may demonstrate to me where this state of euphoria exists. These cloudy question marks have been irrevocable from the fabric of my being.
Halloween is full of irony. Every year at colleges around the country, these young-adults gather round in costumes. Hiding their moral fabric behind this costume, something so simple, so flimsy, that covers up something so broad and complex. This costume becomes a black curtain for many to hide behind, well guess what, your cover's blown. This night becomes a gateway to any sort of high we can achieve as human beings, whether it be from substance abuse or unfulfilling one night stands. We all seek these moments of happiness that are so artificial, the subconscious mind knows it, yet the conscious mind is hypnotized by them. Expedited bursts of pleasure are lovely; however, we find ourselves coming back to them constantly, doing anything in our power to achieve our next high. Don't let me come off as pretentious, please, I find these as one of the most pleasant things on God's green earth.
Do we really know what happiness is? At 18 years old I feel like the world around us tries to perpetuate these ideas of where to find happiness. Mainstream media is such pit. It puts us in shackles while our eyelids are taped open and we are forced to consume what it spews into our heads. These feelings of elation are so short-lived, are the next 4 years of my life going to be this redundant? I worry the next 2 years of my life are going to put me at a pause in terms of self-growth. It stirs my mind with uncertainty.
I realize now why I have this condition to work out almost incessantly. It is fear. Not fear of rejection, no, that's far too vague; Rather, it is a fear perpetuated by the fact that the person that may very well impact my life the most may pass me up like an old novel with a dusty cover. That novel may very well be more thought provoking than any piece you've read in your life. You're probably asking yourself, "Why would I be searching for someone that could be superficial enough pass me up due to my physical appearance?" Well the world is outrageously superficial. My true hope is to have a mutual relationship of some sort with everyone I come across. I really hope you all find that someone in your perpetual journey...
Halloween is full of irony. Every year at colleges around the country, these young-adults gather round in costumes. Hiding their moral fabric behind this costume, something so simple, so flimsy, that covers up something so broad and complex. This costume becomes a black curtain for many to hide behind, well guess what, your cover's blown. This night becomes a gateway to any sort of high we can achieve as human beings, whether it be from substance abuse or unfulfilling one night stands. We all seek these moments of happiness that are so artificial, the subconscious mind knows it, yet the conscious mind is hypnotized by them. Expedited bursts of pleasure are lovely; however, we find ourselves coming back to them constantly, doing anything in our power to achieve our next high. Don't let me come off as pretentious, please, I find these as one of the most pleasant things on God's green earth.
Do we really know what happiness is? At 18 years old I feel like the world around us tries to perpetuate these ideas of where to find happiness. Mainstream media is such pit. It puts us in shackles while our eyelids are taped open and we are forced to consume what it spews into our heads. These feelings of elation are so short-lived, are the next 4 years of my life going to be this redundant? I worry the next 2 years of my life are going to put me at a pause in terms of self-growth. It stirs my mind with uncertainty.
I realize now why I have this condition to work out almost incessantly. It is fear. Not fear of rejection, no, that's far too vague; Rather, it is a fear perpetuated by the fact that the person that may very well impact my life the most may pass me up like an old novel with a dusty cover. That novel may very well be more thought provoking than any piece you've read in your life. You're probably asking yourself, "Why would I be searching for someone that could be superficial enough pass me up due to my physical appearance?" Well the world is outrageously superficial. My true hope is to have a mutual relationship of some sort with everyone I come across. I really hope you all find that someone in your perpetual journey...
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