Sellout

As I marvel at my realization of the recent. I can't help but feel somewhat dejected over it. With out fail, the past is always manages to sneak up on me. Since then, I have reevaluated everything.

While I delved into my thoughts I became aware to the fact that maybe I was lying to my self all along. It shattered everything I thought that I knew about myself. I sold out. To whom you might ask? To every opinion that held me together like a belt of lies. I sold out to this built up image in my mind that was so very empty. I resent it now, more than any event in my life-to-date.

Essentially, it was my public appearance above my private emotions. As I dwell on this, I can't help but rip my hair out. I can't regret everything of course. I brought something tangible away from this experience; although, I sought something false in nature to satisfy me.

I find myself sitting next to this old piano more than anything now. It is seemingly the only being that remains static in my life. I am blessed to have it as a means of expression now. I have felt bottled up recently more than ever now that nearly-everyone is off at college. Granted this "piano" is merely a plastic-key synth, you get the idea.

I continually refocus my eyes in the darkness. It has lead me to a point that I cannot define. When I am intoxicated it seems as if emotions are amplified. Escapism is no longer an attainable goal. The past 30 days have been full of ups and downs. Life is great though, no immediate complaints.